I can text with my tongue
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
