last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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