he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
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