Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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