hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize