just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
He has the fingertips of a God
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