I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
