I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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