He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize