my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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