Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
