Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
