If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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