ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
