I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I cut my penus on the lid.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
