my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
