Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
