when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
splinters make it hard to masturbate
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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