standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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