i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
