when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
