I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
