I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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