My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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