what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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