Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize