Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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