some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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