At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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