I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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