I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
