Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
