HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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