part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
