I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
