Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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