You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
