he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
