i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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