i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm getting married
To pizza
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize