Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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