were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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