I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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