i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize