Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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