3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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