to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
