So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
