I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Randomize
