yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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