I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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