I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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