i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
