You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
