i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
