someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
