I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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