Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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