I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
