I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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