I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
