Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You've changed since you got that strap on
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
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