I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
someone owes me an orgasm
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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