I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
