I accidentally burped into my bong.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
