anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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