I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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